07/06/2008 Cut Off or Connected?
CUT OFF OR CONNECTED?
Sermon # 4 in the “First Families. Families First.” Series
I just met Len. Within a few minutes of the conversation my new acquaintance launches into the story of how he disowns members of his family. (What an odd thing to tell a complete stranger!) If they don’t measure up to Len’s standards, he ends any relationship he has with these “moral reprobate” relatives. They either change their bad behavior or he cuts them off, forever.
There is good to reason to admire the individual who takes a stand & sticks by it, especially in matters justice or morality. I happen to agree with Len’s high standards. The Bible & current sociological research prove that Len’s right. I do take issue with his approach in dealing with family who don’t “toe the line.” They don’t do these bad things to spite him. It’s not personal. They make bad choices, but Len adds injury to insult.
Len may be right, but more than being on the side of what’s righteous, he ends up being self-righteous, holier-than-Thou, even. That’s a problem.
When Jesus witnessed sin, he certainly called people on it, but he managed to stay connected with them, too. He didn’t just cut them off. Think of the woman caught in adultery in John 8: 3-11. Jesus acknowledges that she is in the wrong when he says, “Go & sin no more,” but he acts with grace toward her & actually defends her from others who want to do her harm by taking her life. Adultery was punishable by death in that ancient culture, but so was a child’s rebellion against her or his parents a capital crime. Considering that harsh standard, Noah’s curse after his son Ham’s sin doesn’t seem so bad.
Every Sunday School child knows the story of Noah & the flood. It is only years later, if ever, that most of us read today’s part of the story. (And) even those of us exposed (!) to it, often confess confusion in making sense of it. Quite frankly, even Bible scholars are unsure about the issue of Ham seeing his father’s nudity. Obviously, there was some cultural taboo whose origins are unknown, a no-no which developed long before Moses was given the Ten Commandments & the accompanying Holiness Code. There are multiple interpretations of this incident, some of them quite provocative.
Let’s stay above that fray, however, & go with what we know for sure.
One – We know that Noah gets drunk – evidently fall down drunk, blotto!
Two - His son, Ham, who witnesses his father’s unflattering predicament, doesn’t quietly remedy it, but gossips about it. How embarrassing for Noah! We know that Ham tells his brothers, Shem & Japheth. Why? Certainly he could have quietly covered his father like his brothers eventually did, rather than unnecessarily involving them.
Three -- The drunkenness & gossip lead to family conflict, arguably a conflict way out of proportion to the original dilemma.
I say way out of proportion because it’s not Ham who suffers as much for his sin of disloyalty to Dad, as does his son,
So, just like the matter between God & Cain in Genesis 4 (not Canaan; don’t confuse the two!), in which Cain drags his innocent brother, Abel – a third party - into the issue & tragedy results, so Ham involves more persons than required & the results are disastrous for generations to come. Cain was banished for committing his brother’s murder. Canaan, & by logical generational extension, all of the Canaanite (Arab) world, is consigned to a lower place in the human family, the unenviable position of subjugation (slavery) – also a banishment of sorts. The difference is that God punishes Cain, while in Genesis 9, Noah takes it upon himself to do the punishing.
As a rule, in our culture, we don’t look askance upon children who see the nudity of a parent. Some of us may even be caring for an ill & aging parent. That loving care may necessitate bathing an incapacitated loved one or changing a dressing on a wound. It may be unpleasant, but we don’t see it as sinful. To the contrary, these acts may be the height of familial compassion.
Similarly, we do not enslave family members who embarrass us, or wrong us in some way. This is not to say that we don’t punish persons in our families whose behavior we do not approve. We do. There are parallels between Noah & Len. Enslavement is a way of placing persons in a lower position, putting them at some physical & emotional distance, & emotionally cutting them off. Len is no slavemaster, but like Noah, he acts with every bit as much of a morally superior attitude towards the ones he considers low-lifes (lowly).
Psychologists & social researchers inform us that distancing ourselves from persons with whom we disagree & cutting them off from our presence have reached epidemic proportions in our day. It’s not new, just happening more often.
(25 years ago the Democratic Speaker of the House, Tip O’Neill, & Republican President Ronald Reagan truly enjoyed each other’s company socially. History is clear on their mutual regard. Can we imagine that warmth with Newt Gingrich & Bill
Rather than work hard at listening & understanding others, we are the Hardball-Hannity&Colmes generation. Rather than resolving relational issues in healthy ways, we find it easier to leave, quit, forget, walk out on the relationship, like Len. This stuff happens in our families, too. Disowning a family member or dissolving a friendship is so common. How many of us have been cut off by a loved one, or done the cutting off ourselves?
How about the couple experiencing relationship distress, whose marriage is “on the rocks”? On the one side is the spouse who wants to do whatever it takes to preserve or rebuild the marriage, while the other one just wants to get out, get divorced, distance herself or himself from the formerly beloved partner. Sadly, the children become abandoned, too, in so many situations like this. Distancing & cut off rarely affect just the parties concerned, but hurt lots of unintended, innocent individuals, too.
I see this pattern of cutting off & distancing again & again. Like Len, these persons are convinced that they are right, & they may be, but self-righteousness is not true righteousness. These persons leave a trail of broken & disrupted relationships in their family of origin (where they first learned all of this) but also at work, at church, in the community, with neighbors. It’s a well-worn pattern. They are bitter, angry, & lonely persons who don’t know how to make relation-ships work. They may be highly competent, they may otherwise manifest impeccable morals, they may be quite successful, but they are relationally-impaired at the basic level of being able to sustain healthy relationships.
I’m told the story of two persons here some years ago who got in a dispute about the church kitchen, distanced themselves from one another, & to assure that the distance was relatively permanent, left the church. I still hear persons wonder why they left. Others were hurt, too. The problem is, these folks are not unique. It happens with frequency in our culture & the church is not immune.
I remarked earlier that I wondered why Noah punished Ham by taking it out on Ham’s son,
Again, we don’t enslave those who wrong us, as Noah did, but we do consign family & friends to the status of a slave, treating them as though they were invisible & lowly, unworthy of our affection & attention, removed from the daily aspects & joys of our lives. We distance ourselves from others & cut them off from us.
This is depressing & discouraging stuff, but as always, the scriptures teach us a better way. First, let’s realize that Noah is not pure as the wind-driven snow. The Flood clearly did not eradicate all sin. Noah needs to account for his own behavior & come clean about his drunkenness playing a role in creating this situation. He needs to be honest. Whether we are the party that’s done wrong or the one that’s been wronged, we need to own up to reality, not just blame & make demands.
In a related vein, Jesus is an example of how to achieve righteousness without being self-righteous. We need to acknowledge that we, too, are sinners whose only righteousness comes from God, not any superior morality that’s our doing alone. Be authentic by saying what you believe in your heart (even, & especially, when you disagree), but seek to stay connected, just as Jesus did with the woman caught in adultery.
Second, vindictiveness is counter-productive & leads to further sin. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” The punishment here is totally out of proportion to the crime. Yes, family loyalty is so important, but Noah’s solution creates a bigger problem for the family than it seeks to solve. Certainly, no healing occurs for anyone. If we need a trusted mediator or counselor to help us deal with broken relationships, fine. Most bad relational behavior does not rise to the level of criminality & demand such harsh punishment as Noah & Len propagate. Ask for God’s wisdom. Request Christ’s grace. Rely on the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to work it out. Faith has a role to play in these interpersonal dealings.
Third, & finally, live the Bible’s message of forgiveness. We pray about it every time we say the Lord’s Prayer. Act on it. As God has forgiven you, (you) forgive. Actively show forth that forgiveness. Don’t just say you’ve forgiven someone. Parents whose children have been murdered, Holocaust survivors, & other victims of atrocities have acted with forgiveness toward those who so horribly wronged them. Why can’t we, who have experienced far less moral slights, be forgiving, resolve issues, & stay connected with one another?
In the Name…. Copyright 2008 by G.D.Knerr at